I have lots of words to say to speak and to write
I want to go out and shout it all to the heavens above
I want to let Him know how hard it is to live without the willingness to survive
without the will to continue another minute of your life.
I want Him to know that I’m having a hard time breathing;
it’s difficult to come in terms with my everyday living.
This is too much to bear in me; inside it’s hurting like a halted bomb,
yet can not be restrained from exploding, for there is a threat of dying once you explode: that you may lose all your loved ones, once you go for the chance of letting go.
That you can’t control what may happen of what tomorrow will be like without you -leaving your family behind. It’s excruciating; inside it’s deeply hurting, It’s something not others can withstand, it’s something only you can experience, only you was given, only you have to deal with.
It may seem unfair but you hope that somebody understands. That someday you’ll find someone who can actually be with you. Someone or some people whom you can truly trust and care at the same time. Who can see through your feelings; the suffering; that genuine pain.
How easy it is to be others, what about me?
Can they be me?
This is the day
I fear the most
When I feel no love
no care, nothing,
nothing at all.
That my brother asked me
to meet my family,
sleep with them, again
since me leaving the nest.
All one in a single roof
Like what we used to, before.
Before when everything was okay
Before when life wasn’t that bad
Before when we were still fine,
Before when my father was still alive.
But now I fear that I doubt my love;
that I doubt myself, If I truly care
Has society eaten too much of me?
Where is that piece of me that was exciting?
That was motivating? Always happy?
Where was that me?
Now, see what I have become,
will I ever find peace?
Will I survive the torment of life?
How will I continue?
From here and now?