I have lots of words to say to speak and to write
I want to go out and shout it all to the heavens above
I want to let Him know how hard it is to live without the willingness to survive
without the will to continue another minute of your life.
I want Him to know that I’m having a hard time breathing;
it’s difficult to come in terms with my everyday living.
This is too much to bear in me; inside it’s hurting like a halted bomb,
yet can not be restrained from exploding, for there is a threat of dying once you explode: that you may lose all your loved ones, once you go for the chance of letting go.
That you can’t control what may happen of what tomorrow will be like without you -leaving your family behind. It’s excruciating; inside it’s deeply hurting, It’s something not others can withstand, it’s something only you can experience, only you was given, only you have to deal with.
It may seem unfair but you hope that somebody understands. That someday you’ll find someone who can actually be with you. Someone or some people whom you can truly trust and care at the same time. Who can see through your feelings; the suffering; that genuine pain.
How easy it is to be others, what about me?
Can they be me?
This is the day
I fear the most
When I feel no love
no care, nothing,
nothing at all.
That my brother asked me
to meet my family,
sleep with them, again
since me leaving the nest.
All one in a single roof
Like what we used to, before.
Before when everything was okay
Before when life wasn’t that bad
Before when we were still fine,
Before when my father was still alive.
But now I fear that I doubt my love;
that I doubt myself, If I truly care
Has society eaten too much of me?
Where is that piece of me that was exciting?
That was motivating? Always happy?
Where was that me?
Now, see what I have become,
will I ever find peace?
Will I survive the torment of life?
How will I continue?
From here and now?
Yes, I remember. I remember it all.
The scene is so clear it’s bringing the feelings with it. When the moon was clear and it shone all over the neon lit humble city of my home province. Engines rumbling slowly as I pace my way to the very first independent burger stall in the city. A store that sells nothing more but burgers. And it was something I could be proud of, nevertheless the thought of knowledge when I moved to a bigger metropolitan, in which the thought is surreal since I’ve never been on my own making ends meet feeding myself and living alone for three years now, since the time being.
My student has just taken a class with me. And I remember the feeling, when I used to walk the cemented grounds of my birth place in slippers, khakis and tees. The cold breeze of the night didn’t bother me at all. My mind was as dense as it could have become as the days kill the others. Contemplating on ‘what-ifs’ and ‘have-been’s, I took some paper bill and landed it on the counter. Gazing upon the prices, everything seems palpably affordable.
“Yes, sir. Ten minutes.” The staff answered. I normally ask for how much time they would take to prepare my food for me. I was heaving some yawn when I turned back front and nodded to the moon. I was sure my entity was under its power. For the past few nights, I’ve been panning to stray just to breathe for awhile. Maybe a year, yes.
The next few days was a hurricane of madness. Papa got another stroke and later then I found myself slouching at the front door. Thinking, endless thinking. I phone my friend and asked for help. He gladly accepted my woes. The next day I visited mama and my other siblings who were all scattered on the floor inside my father’s room. With all the bed sheets, pillows and warmers.
No tears broke when I finally decided to go away for awhile in the reason of employment. This is the decision that until now, I don’t know how to deal with.
Life really hit me hard. I can’t end this article with something worth to bother. Let me leave you with a thought myself brought from books read and articles scanned.
I had a dream once. But life came stole it all away.